Saturday

to miss being naive




ive been missing so many things lately.
like been in this perpetual state of
lamentation.
i have this friend that is like my jimminey cricket,
though she wouldn't like me putting her on
that pedestal,
because, see,
she's like jimminey cricket,
and she questioned and questioned and made me think and
so i realized something.

i miss being naive.
i miss reading blogs of people inspiring and
contemplating their lives and
being inspired to try and live the same.
i miss thinking this idealistic way of life is possible,
that there's this way of going
against the grain that
will produce the life and
the children that
i desire. i used to think,
if i just emulate her,
if i just do this,
if i,
then,
but now i know better.
and i know better for so many reasons,
but one is so superficial.
i know because of instagram. i know because
i have become one of those people, those
moms who have it all together,
who live a beautiful life and
can give advice.
but
i know the truth too.
i know the pain behind those smiles,
the fighting behind those children,
the mess behind those walls.
i know how fake it all is.
i know how to inspire because
ive been inspired and
i know all the right answers but
im false. im just false.

i miss being able to go to my computer,
check my favorite blogs,
read things to make my heart soar,
to set me in the right direction,
to give me focus for my days.
i miss the naivete that came with being a super
young mama in
the days of new blogs.
when facebook was this random new medium for
teens and
instagram was unheard of.
i miss that i avoided news and lived in an
ignorant state of
bliss.
i miss that i believed that i could live a simple life,
raise my kids without tv and video games,
grow my food, hang my laundry,
write,
read,
knit,
drink tea,
and that i would be passing this beautiful way of life
down to my kids who
would thank me and never doubt
the way they were raised.

but now i know better.
but i wish i didn't.
the question lies,
asked by my jimminey cricket, (i'm sorry, i'm sorry my friend, but
you help me think, you give me pause, you help me find clarity)
how will i choose to move forward?


Wednesday

to not care

Would you mind if I wrote again,
if i tapped out these words and tried to say the things
i haven't said in so long?
there's probably no one here any longer,
things have changed and this online world of words has run dry,
exchanged for status updates and over edited photos that reek of
fantasy and idolatry and are mostly void of honesty and life.
but i might try.
because words are all i have and it's pure and it's open and
i don't need the likes or the followers, i
just need to scribble down the heart and leave it,
walk away and let it flow and
God woke me when He shook me when He told me
I am letting it all go.
my heart rests and i will not lose it,
i will wrap it up, taped in plain ol paper and
i will let it be unveiled gently or violently or
however one finds themselves unwrapping words.
there is truth and i cannot hide behind that wall anymore,
with it's unbreakable brick keeping the masses captive.
as i write i feel free and
i may never stop.
we drift and i say hello and you
look to the heavens trying to ignore me and
i think that it's okay. ignore me or love me or
smile slightly in that friendly but not too way,
hate me, enjoy me, laugh at me, cry, delight, despise,
it matters not. because
i found freedom and
once again,
i like me.